◎文／寬融法師

獻給我今晚跟我同組的成員們：史蒂芬、瑟琳娜、凱莉、肖恩、瑞安。

我有股觸動，希望可以把這篇心得寫出來跟同組的菩薩分享。如果有人讀到時能從中受益的話，那也很好。

今晚我指派來當帶組法師。這組的成員有史蒂芬、瑟琳娜、凱莉、肖恩、瑞安以及我。活動開始我們要畫一個代表我們的事物：人、物品或動物，畫什麼都可以，然後分享為什麼這張畫裡面的東西代表我們。大家各自挑了一支自己喜歡的蠟筆之後就開始畫。我畫滿月，底下有一些陰影，再用些橘色在滿月中畫了個弦月。這張畫跟我的連結是我希望帶給大家光明，溫暖而涼爽像月光一樣。陰影則表示旅途上會遇到的一些困難，而弦月則表示完美中的不完美，但是不完美本身也能和完美無礙地並存。

瑟琳娜畫了朵紅色的向日葵，跟凱莉的派大星有點像，他們都有提到感恩，以及生活中所遭遇到的事物有它美好的一面。史蒂芬畫了一個面具，讓我想到《歌劇魅影》裡化裝舞會的面具；他提到有時喜歡跟人相處，但有時也喜歡獨處，而這兩者都是他真實的樣貌。肖恩的圖裡面有投籃、灌籃、運球，底下寫了「籃球」。瑞安畫了一本護照，她說旅行的經驗構成養分，讓她之所以成為了她。上次她回台灣是七年前了。

後來邊畫邊聊的過程中，瑟琳娜問我為什麼會出家，我停下來思考一下後說：「升上高中後的我，一直在尋找生命的意義，也思考各種關係是什麼：工作、友情……，但一直都找不到一個能夠徹底滿足的答案。然後2018年的時候有一位朋友，他一天打坐八小時，在離島當公務人員的老師，他引領我信佛。」

和他們相聚，讓我想起了自己留學美國與工作的時光。今晚的氛圍與整個因緣，讓我覺得很放鬆與懷舊。他們稱呼我法師時，我心裡覺得有點怪，也感到何德何能有這個機會，今晚在這裡與他們一同學習、相處，對此我是相當感激的。很高興今晚可以認識他們，特別是我的組員們。他們的樂觀開放，讓我感受到在他們背後支持他們的家庭、社群。不知道為什麼，對此，我也是心懷感激的。

2015年的暑假，我也曾經在麻薩諸塞大學阿默斯特（Amherst）分校參加過一次夏令營，回程的前一晚我們聚集在地下室。我記得有一個女生在哭，她說「我們以後都不會在見面啦！」然後我跟她說「不會啦，我們會保持聯繫。」事後看來，至少到目前為止，她是對的。我不曉得為什麼我想到這件事，但「不能回到過去來改變什麼」的這個事實，讓我更想要寫下今晚這段特別的歷程。

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◆英文版

Reflection on the Meet-up with U.S. Young Followers

I would like to have this reflection dedicated to my group members tonight—Steven, Serena, Kelly, Sean, Rhian.

I felt the urge to write this reflection and share it with others in my group, and it will also be nice if others benefit from reading this.

Tonight (2023.07.03) I happened to be selected to be the group monastic representative to be one of the group. Because their jigsaw pieces and mine matched together, we were assigned to be on the same team. They were Steven, Serena, Kelly, Sean, Rhian, and myself. We first started with drawing a thing, a person, or whatever that we feel represents us, and then we shared the drawing and explained why it represents us. Everyone picked up a crayon they like and then started drawing. I drew a full moon with shadow on the bottom of the moon, and some orange coloring on one side to resemble a quarter moon on the left of the full moon while yellow being on the other. The connection of this picture with me was that I aspire to bring lightness, warmth but cool like the moonlight to them. The shadow represents hardships that I sometimes face along the journey. The quarter moon represents the imperfection within perfection, yet both coexist harmoniously.

They were surprised to see that I used more than one coloring because we were instructed to pick up a crayon. I told them they didn't say such is not permitted. The other thing that I found interesting was that they asked me whether it is okay to lie down during this session. I told them that it is fine. Sean was one of the most active participants in this group, and he reminded Serena not to point her feet toward the Buddha when lying face down. I then was the only one remaining seated in the group, and soon after noticing that I changed my position and lay down together with them.

Serena drew a red sunflower, and similar to Kelly’s Patrick Star, they both shared about the gratefulness and the bright side of things. Steven drew a mask that reminded me of the masquerade mask from The Phantom of the Opera, with one half being happy and the other being crest-fallen; he said sometimes he feels like being with people but sometimes he feels like being alone and both are he. Sean had a basketball picture with a shoot, slam dunk, and dribble, and on the bottom of his drawing, he also wrote “basketball” on the bottom of the drawing. Rhian drew a passport (it looks like a Taiwan passport to me) and identified herself with all the traveling experience she has had. The last time she came back to Taiwan was 7 years ago.

I wanted to find some common ground among some of them, and hopefully, all of them will find it beneficial.

There might be two points. If one keeps on digging, relentlessly, then he/she might be able to find that human beings or perhaps sentient beings as a whole do share the same common ground and with that in mind, they are not that different from one another. Yet, exactly what this common ground is, one may ask. How is this relevant to the true question we should be asking? I think all kinds of questions will be posed along the journey. Some are more relevant to the inner self, thus deeper, than others. And to me, before I became monastic-in-training, I was able to narrow down the true questions to issues of freedom and who I am. The question of who-I-am somewhat changes to what-I-am. The journey will turn out worthwhile yet it will most likely be painful and demanding as well, so it would be nice to have support such as a mentor, a community, a partner, a family, etc.

The second point is that I hope they don't underestimate the importance of second-handed information, that is, the entire academic field, modern education system, history, books, etc. Meanwhile, they, too, should not overestimate the importance of which, and should look into methodology taught by the Buddha and patriarch and incorporate it into their daily lives because in my opinion that is arguably the most important and unique part of Buddhism. Methodology is more of a technical issue, and this rather non-religious part of Buddhism has great potential to bridge over Buddhism with the modern world, science, and other religions, as I have told some of them tonight before we headed out.

Later during the drawing session, I did not hear much further instruction from the moderator and we just continued the drawing. We did pass on our drawing to the person next, but for the rest of the session, we simply conversed with each other while adding our personal touch to each other's drawing which goes a full circle and will eventually come back to us. Serena asked me why I chose to become a monk. I paused and thought it over for maybe half a minute then started saying, “I have been looking for the meaning of life, and of relationship, friendship, career, etc., since I was in high school, in 2005, and over the years I have not found anything that could fundamentally satisfy me. Then, in 2018, through a friend who is an intellectual and has a teacher working as a civil servant in the outlying island of Taiwan and practicing seated meditation eight hours per day, talked me into believing in Buddhism.” It was sort of difficult for me to explain how this faith arose in the first place. I noticed the attentiveness from other team members while I tried answering this question. At some point, I also asked how they started to believe in Buddhism. Most said it was because of their family and the tradition. When the moderator announced there are 2 minutes left, we were back on the official track to talk briefly about the reasons behind other things we added to the drawings. It was a pity our sharing did not finish at the end.

Being with them reminds me of my time studying abroad in the U.S. and the following one-year OPT working period, and the relaxing ambience and all these make me feel very comfortable and nostalgic. The fact that they called me Fashi (monastic) made me feel a bit funny and privileged to have this opportunity to be with them and learn together with them. For that, I am very grateful. Besides talking about their aspirations, personality, and likings, some other topics in our conversations include my dharma name, my academic background, and my working experiences.

I am happy to meet them all tonight, especially those in my group, i.e., Steven, Rhian, Kelly, Sean, and Serena. Their positivity and openness made me feel that they come from a supportive family or/and community. Not sure why but for that I feel thankful too.

Personally, I wished I could hear more and listen better from Rhian and Steven. I probably could have maneuvered to be more equally attentive to all of my team members. The other thing I felt I could have done better was the question about why women have only 1 chance of becoming a nun in life while men have 7 chances. I would, the next time, pick up the microphone and tell them I don’t really know the answer to this question and see if any other monastics is interested in answering and if not, I will tell them that I can try answering.

In the summer of 2005, right before I turned 18, I also participated in a summer camp at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. The night before heading home, we gathered in the basement. And I remembered one of the girls who was crying, and she said "We will never see each other again," and I told her that "No, we will be in touch." It turned out that she was right (so far). I don’t know why I thought of this, but the fact that I wasn’t able to go back then and change things has further urged me to write down the unique experiences I had tonight.

Kuan Rong with palms joined

2023.07.04